Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Boyfriend Bot: Kdrama Edition

The Song Joong Ki *

Has Korean drama ruined you for real men?

Traditional relationships are such a hassle. First you have to find someone you like, which is no easy task. Whether you try Internet dating, hit the bar scene, or ask your friends to set you up, it won’t take long for you to realize that the frogs of the world far, far outnumber its princes. And even when you do find that special someone, you have to live with him. This, as we all know, can be even harder than making an initial love connection. From toilet seats that never get put down to Grand Theft Auto marathons when you’d rather be watching dramas, the care and keeping of a boy can mean lots of sacrifice and frustrating, time-consuming work.

Well, fret no more! Boyfriend Bot(tm) is proud to announce the release of its latest collection of ultra-realistic boyfriend simulators: The Kdrama Male Lead. The man of your dreams is now as close as a phone call away.

Lovingly handcrafted using the finest of raw materials and the world’s most advanced cybernetic technologies, you’ll swear your Boyfriend Bot is better than the real thing. He’s low maintenance, fully waterproof, and—best of all—programmed to learn from your every interaction. Before long, he’ll be greeting you at the door on cold winter nights with your favorite hot chocolate, ready to give you a professional-grade massage to erase the cares of life.

Your Boyfriend Bot will arrive pre-loaded with a number of your favorite Kdrama scenes and phrases, prepared to romance you and take out the garbage without making a fuss. His delicious, built-in washboard abs require no gym upkeep, while his lifelike gaze will make you weak in the knees. And thanks to an initial vocabulary of over two million words in the languages of your choice, you’ll never run out of things to discuss with your Boyfriend Bot. (We would say that his stellar conversation skills could fool you into believing your Bot is another human being, but it’s immediately obvious that the Bot’s insightful, thoughtful discussion is of a calibre most people will never attain.)

A world of romance awaits. So what are you waiting for?

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Kdrama Boyfriend Bot order form
Circle one option in each category

Note: Order form images are intended to give examples of representative Boyfriend Bot traits. Your personalization choices will ensure your Bot is completely unique.

A, B, C

VINTAGE
Whether you’ve got daddy issues or have always wanted someone to call you noona, there is a Boyfriend Bot for every woman.

A. Classic Edition—The Cha Seung Won (mid 40s)
B. Oppa, Baby—The Lee Chung Hee (mid 30s)
C. My Makne—The Kim Soo Hyun (mid 20s)


A, B, C

SIZE
Boyfriend Bots come in all shapes and sizes. It’s your choice—do you want a pillar of a man, or one who’s more pocket-sized?

A. Magnum Man—The Lee Ki Woo (189 cm)
B. Just Right —The Lee Jin Wook (183 cm)
C. Fun Size—The Yoo Seung Ho (175 cm)


A, B, C

DIFFICULTY LEVEL
Are you a woman who likes a challenge, or do you want to skip right to the cuddling? With our three factory settings, your wish is our command. (Note that all models will gradually move toward the lowest difficulty setting).

A. Mad Dog—The Cha Moo Hyuk
B. Naughty Boy—The Gu Joon Pyo
C. Little Lambykins—The Enrique Geum


The Lee Min Ho demonstrates his salon services.**

OPTIONAL SKILLS
When he arrives on your doorstep, your Boyfriend Bot will already have countless skills and abilities, thanks to our patented Bot Bootcamp(tm). Additional training in specific fields is available for a small fee.

A. Salon services
B. Bed prowess
C. Musical maestro (instruments of your choice)
E. Makeup stylist
D. Chef, five-star


SPECIAL EDITIONS
Bundling some of our most popular Bot traits, our Special Editions make choosing your man all the easier.


The Second Male Lead. Already in a committed relationship? Then the Second Male Lead is the Bot for you. Calibrated for longing from afar, he will adore you, treasure you, and support you through thick and thin, all without hoping for reciprocation.



The Sageuk. Due to popular demand, this Boyfriend Bot is educated to the most exacting standards of the Joseon era. We take pains to minimize his contact with the outside world, so you’ll have the thrill of explaining horseless carriages and the magic talking box in your living room. Of course, he will arrive with a full wardrobe of hanbok befiting a noble Confucian scholar.



The Kpopper. For those who can’t choose between our Kpop and Kdrama lines, this Special Edition Bot marries the best of both. He’ll sing you to sleep with dreamy lullabies, teach you to dance like a professional, and also dramatically (and publicly) declare his love for you on demand. Order now—supplies limited!

* Dog Bot sold separately
** You didn’t think he was real did you?

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Want to see my own Boyfriend Bot?

22 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh! The "Difficulty Level" category - I laughed out loud seeing So Ji-Sub and YSY as opposite options before I even read the descriptions. You're making my eyes water with so much laughter! "Mad Dog... Lambykins" I almost think your posts are the best boyfriend substitute - they're cute, clever, entertaining, and always include sigh worthy pictures of dreamy guys!

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  2. Brilliant! Just brilliant!

    Oh, and I'll have one of each. Thank you.

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  3. oh gosh, this is so funny and witty! :) how about giving discounts for bulk orders? haha! after all, it's almost christmas! :)

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  4. Amanda, you are too much! Love, love, love this!!! But you left out a category, the older than 40 (ahem) choices. As a very "mature" woman, as much as I would love all these boy toys, I need to be able to hold up my head with some dignity! Can the choices be the same, just aged a bit? Hyun Bin, Gong Yoo, Mickey Yoochun, Lee Seong Ki, Lee Seung Gi, So Ji Sub, Jo In Song, the list just keeps growing....

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  5. purrrrrrfect! Where do I order mine?

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  6. Amanda,
    You are brilliant!!! I will take 5 of each. A girl, needs backups. I know they will go fast and I do not want to be on the waiting list. ;)
    BTW, did you see the pics of Gong Yoo for his new movie "The Suspect" *faints*

    Here I was feeling low energy with cold and your post just instantly made me feel better. Thanks!


    -raindrops1

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  7. This post is such fun!
    Vintage: c-b, Size: a-b, Difficulty: c (maybe a little b)… Yep, I think those are my choices... Do they come with wardrobe/style options? HA! ^^
    Thanks for a post to bring some delightful cheer to my morning!

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  8. GOLD. I feel like declaring this post brilliant is some kind of understatement!

    My favoritest bit? Your special edition Gong Yoo bot - standard with bedroom prowess. Bwahahahaa!! Of COURSE it comes standard with the GY bot. He's too hawt for it NOT to come standard. And now I can't stop giggling, thinking of my own GY bot. YUM. ;D

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  9. so good! ahahahah. kdrama fandom + creative writing = best

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  10. This is hilarious!!! It reminds me of the Taiwanese drama Absolute Boyfriend, and Jiro Wang as a robot trying to sleep with Ku Hye-sun.

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  11. Not to rain on anyone's parade, but if a bunch of men posted something in a similar vein about kdrama actresses, I don't think the general readership of this site would be too impressed. I know it's only a bit of fun, but I am sure the men would be accused of being misogynistic or objectifying women. Maybe it's just me, but these sort of posts make me uncomfortable. Sorry.

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    Replies
    1. Give us a break, please! You obviously don't understand kdramas fangirls' humor...
      This hilarious post made my day... Love your writing Amanda, as always...

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  12. Hahahahaha, 'fully waterproof'! Now, why would he need to be fully waterproof...this post seriously had me chuckling :)

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  13. hahahahahahah!!! Darn it... I'm married, so I guess I'll have to get the Second Male Lead bot.
    Bless you for finally inventing this service! Woohoo!
    (Have you read the graphic novel The Surrogates? Heeeheee... you're awesome!)

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  14. This definitely cheered my oh so gloomy morning! I laugh so hard. Nicely written, can I have one with extra optional skills?

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  15. Wow...this makes me realize how high my expectations have risen since I joined the Kpop/Kdrama fandom. At sixteen year old, I have a lot of disappointment to look forward to :P

    (This was funny, though I want one SO badly...)

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